Ok so here’s my deal:
I’m a hopeless romantic who’s been single for almost four years. Yeah, four. On the one hand I’m ok with it, honestly the next person I’m with I want it to be the one I spend the rest of my life with, I want it to be “the one”. But on the other hand I long for the day I can come home and have someone to kiss hello and ask how their day was, I long for the days I can get into the same bed as the love of my life and get to wake up to their tired face and morning voice…
That’s what I want, I want a partner in life. Someone who I can cuddle up to on a cold winters night but at the same time someone who I can go on hikes and adventures with. Someone who will inspire me to be the best version of myself, who will encourage me to chase my dreams and reach for the stars and who I can do the same for.
I want to be that obnoxiously cute and adorable couple. The ones that everyone envies and who people look at and say “they’re still together?” I want someone to cook great meals with, someone to have study-dates with, someone to travel the world with, someone to take late night walks with, someone to fight with and then apologize to because I love them, not because I was wrong, someone to take annoyingly cute photos with, someone that will hold my hand because they’re afraid to let me go. I want a partner and a best friend.
I sometimes think maybe I want to much, maybe I’m asking for that perfect movie love that doesn’t exist. The “bump in the hallway”, the “love at first sight”, the “true loves kiss”, that type of love. But that’s what I want, a fairytale. I want my prince to sweep me off my feet and show me that I’m the one and only they’re in love with.
My standards might be high but I know my prince charming will come along and exceed every expectation.
At the same time that’s exactly what I’m scared of. Love terrifies me.
I think the most important thing for me is someone who will stick with me and keep fighting for us when my fear kicks in and I just want to run the other way. I want someone who will then take my hand, look me in the eyes and tell me that everything will be ok and not to run, that fighting for us is worth it.
I’m scared that when something is too good to be true it probably isn’t, I’m scared that when the person I love gets to know all of me, my good parts and my bad, that they will turn around and run away from me, I’m scared of not being good enough, and I’m terrified of the actually believing that I might end up alone.
So there you have it, here’s a window in to my every thought, my every fear and my deepest secret.
Thought I was the most confident person around? Think again because I’m a single, hopeless romantic who’s afraid of not being good enough and ending up alone.
If you’d missed it I’ve been in America.
So, what have I been up to? Well arter SitC I flew to Chicago and then took an underground from the airport to Union Station and then from there a train to my grandparents where my mother was waiting to pick me up. I was exhausted.
From there on I spent every day with my mother, that was the whole point of the trip. We did a bunch of things! We’ve been shopping, seen two and a half movies (one and a half were in a drive through), we went for tea with all of mums friends and went to Walmart. There’s vlogs about it all over on our YouTube channel (YouTube.com/annancarms95)
On Sunday I went back to Chicago, checked in to my hotel and at 5pm I made my way over to the Soldier Field and saw my boys again. Yes, I’m talking about One Direction. The concert was amazing, obviously hahaha! Although it was the same day as the news about them “breaking up” came out. But more about that later. After the concert, on my way back to the hotel in my loneliness, I met these two girls who I started chatting to and made friends with. We then went on an adventure that got me back to my hotel room at 1am and asleep at 4am after editing my daily vlog for that day. Yesterday I spent the day exploring Chicago, I got lost and ended up in the Milenium Park. Then got on a plane at 8.35pm and woke up in London at 9.55am. I have been exhausted all day, I took a 1.30h nap, had some food and now I’m wide awake. Great.
Now, about that little One Direction news thing, and I’m only going to address this once and here for the simple reason that I’m sick and tired of peoples coments, so here it goes: they’re not breaking up, I repeat not breaking up. There’s a difference between breaking up and taking a break. Think about it this way, what other artist/band releases an album every year? They normally take a year or two in between albums, the boys (aka One Direction) have been a band for five years and they’re releasing their fifth album later this year and they’re currently on their fourth tour (third world tour). They deserve a break. So please , if you know me or any other One Direction fan, shut your face. We know what’s going on because the boys themselves have told us (check @NiallHoran, @Louis_Tomlinson and @Real_Liam_Payne on twitter for proof if you need it.) So I beg of you, don’t.
Now, it’s 11.06pm and I think that’s a decent time to go to sleep and maybe not be stupidly jet lagged tomorrow. Goodnight! ❤
Best three days of my life.
For those of you who don’t know Summer in the City is a YouTube convention put up and created by three lovely guys every summer in London. There’s panels where youtubers talk about everything and anything from equality and what it’s like being behind the camera to LGBTQ+ and being a small youtuber. Literally anything you can think of they will talk about. But that’s not the only thing there is, there are also merch stands if said youtubers want to sell some of their merch, there’s funfair rides (like one or two), other small craft stands, a main stage area where there’s concerts and performances basically all day. And if that wasn’t enough to sell you on the fact that SitC is the best event of the summer, there’s meet and greets as well, so you get to take a photo and meet these super famous youtubers!
Now that I’ve explained that for those who have been living under a rock (*cough* dad *cough*) I will now proceed to tell you all about my very first experience at SitC.
I suppose beginning from day one is a good start. Day one (Friday) for me was attending Creator day. Creator day was introduced last year (I think, don’t quote me on that haha!) and is basically where a lot of us people with smaller YouTube channels (youtube.com/annancarms95) can go and learn about anything really. So I got that for Carmi as one of her birthday gifts way back when and it was finally time for us to attend, so off we went! I think we attended like four panels and, in my own opinion, learnt a lot. We also talked to one of the actual YouTube people and they helped us out with tips on what we can do to better our channel, which I will get to work with when I actually get a moment to breathe haha!
For day two and three I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to volunteer and actually work the event, which I enjoyed so bloody much!
During day two I clocked in 12.30h which was like 7.30h more than scheduled, I took one 10min break to just shove some food in to my mouth, when I got home I was exhausted and could not feel my feet, but I loved every second of it.
So the days, for me, started at 5am because I had to be at the ExCel London at 8am. When we got there it was briefing, we got our t-shirts and wristbands and then we just dove straight in. I had wristbanding first thing in the morning, which basically is checking tickets, putting wristbands on people, answering their questions and explaining where to go next. Thankfully I was stationed at a great table where we just got a system and all five of us worked like a team and it went super smoothly! We were there from about 9am until like 12.30pm when me and K (a lovely girl who I met there and worked a lot with the first day) headed over to meet and greets and helped out there. I got the chance to help with Dan and Phil’s M&G before I had to be in a panel room (where I was actually scheduled to be) and worked that for I think like an hour. Then it was so empty there so I was allowed to head back to M&G and ended up working Niki and Sammy’s M&G. Somewhere around this time I ran in to Chris (click here to read the post about him and his meetup) again and just chatted with him very quickly and briefly and showed him the video from my mother. He’s such a lovely human! Something I’ve realized over this weekend is that I’m not “in with the kids” anymore because I had no idea who half of these youtubers were haha! I had no idea who Niki and Sammy where, let alone that they had a sister. So I asked these three girls at the M&G to wait outside and one of them goes “Oh I’m their sister.” UPSY! Hahaha, but G was cool about me not having a clue who any of them were and we ended up talking for a bit. And just like that a beautiful friendship was born *internal choir going “aaawww”* After fooling around in M&G’s I had to help out with the panel that Dan and Phil were at because them fangirls be cray cray! So we were about 25 volunteers there working it, and after that I was done for the day haha! I did however stick around and hung out with K for a while helping out at M&G’s again. (can you tell I enjoyed working M&G’s??) Then I listened to one Myth City song, helped out with another impromptu M&G in the merch area and then at 8.30pm me and K clocked out. Done!
Sunday, Sunday fun-day! Again, waking up at 5am, briefing at 8am and wristbanding straight after. K wasn’t there on Sunday so I made new friends! Sunday was a much more chilled day when it comes to wristbanding. Saturday we didn’t get a chance to even breathe but Sunday it was so relaxed me and A (my new friend) were like dancing and screaming at people to come to us so we could scan their tickets and give them wristbands haha! Her and I had loads of fun though so it was well worth it! At about 12ish we left the wristbanding area and I went over to M&G’s for like an hour and a half and got put in an area where people had been let in and where queuing like 40min before the person who they were meeting was even supposed to turn up. So me being me I started making friends, they were all super chill so when I got there instead of standing around just looking at them I put on a show haha! I started telling people who I was, asking them not to die on my watch, to let me know if they needed anything and trying to get them pumped. Made loads of friends, probably not even half as many as people who thought I was a weirdo, but still, friends haha! Sadly though I was scheduled to be at a panel room at 2pm so I had to leave them and go do my actual work… But as the good volunteer I am I went and did the job! On one of my little breaks though I saw my little group of friends and I got hug-attacked (the only attack that is always allowed and appreciated). After the panels were done I helped at the Mazzi Maz M&G, he’s so funny haha!
When that was done and the guards where closing down and packing up things it hit me that SitC was almost over so I went over to the Meghan Tonjes concert and just stood there and enjoyed and took it all in for a bit before heading to the merch area to hang with G. Luckily her brothers were having a signing/impromptu M&G at their merch stand so it looked like I was doing crowd control (which I was also doing, I am a female, I can multitask). I ended up meeting like four other girls as well who know G and just chilling with them. The end ceremony thing was very pretty, everyone was at the Main Stage area and the organizers were on stage with all the purple-shirt volunteers and they were thanking us all and just saying goodbye. Then it was done.
The volunteers headed back to the volunteer room and the managers and organizers thanked us, we thanked them and gave them a little present and a card and got a lovely photo. I did get emotional but managed not to cry haha! When we were all done I thanked them personally and went to find G to say goodbye to her as well. Luckily she was still at the merch stand waiting for her brothers so I got to say goodbye and take a photo and then I actually had to leave haha! I had company for three stops on the DLR though, three of the other girls I’d met before were there so we chilled for a bit before hugging them goodbye as well.
Who have I seen this weekend? (I say seen because I wasn’t allowed to fangirl and meet anyone properly, which is understandable. Professionalism and what not) I have seen, Dan (danisnotonfire) and Phil (amazinphil) , Niki and Sammy (niki and sammy), Louis (funforlouis), Harrison (omgharrison), Mazz (mazzi maz), Will, Chai, Chris (supdaily06), Meghan (meghan tonjes) and oh so many more! I’ve seen a lot of faces that I recognize but have no idea what name belongs to them haha!
What was my favorite part? I don’t have one single favorite part but I’ll try and sum it up for you. One of the things I loved most was the feeling of being busy, the responsibility, the running around because I have somewhere to be and a job that needs to be done… A friend asked me the other day if there’s a good type of stress, the answer is yes, this type of stress is the good one. I absolutely loved it! Another thing I loved was fooling around with the attendees, just being nice to them, hearing their stories, where they’re from, why they like this specific youtuber so much, what makes them special… People fascinate me and this was just amazing! Best feeling ever is when some of the girls wanted photos with me because “the volunteers were doing such a great job” or because “I was so nice” or “I was their favorite volunteer” or because “I was so much fun”… I kept getting compliments left and right and it honestly, warms my heart. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten that many compliments… Ever! And it’s not just the complimenting me, but taking the time to thank the volunteer crew at an event really shows what type of person you are (spoiler: a great one!). Also, as I’ve said before and I’ll say it again, events is my passion, I love it, it’s what I want to do the rest of my life. Even though I clocked in 26h work in 48h, even though my feet hurt like hell, even though I’ve been running on like 5h sleep each day and even though my cold was killing me, I would have kept going if they’d let me. Going home both days I just felt like I had the energy to keep going for like two or three more hours which is amazing! That’s the feeling I want to have when I go home from work every single day.
This has now turned in to a three-page essay on me just blabbering and being an emotional mess because of my lack of sleep, so I’ll leave you with a few lovely photos of the weekend and I hope you all are happy and doing something you love! ❤
Oh gosh, where do I start?
Maybe by thanking Meg and Jean for the amazing work they do with Believe in Magic. It’s such a small charity and they do everything themselves, no staff at all, and they do it all because they’re wonderful humans, they take nothing for themselves, which I think is bloody admirable. I then also want to thank Louis and Johanna for the amazingly amazing ball they organised and hosted yesterday. Bloody hell it was perfection! The amount of money raised for the charity was ridiculous which is awesome as they need as much funding as possible.
I got an email from Louis and Meg about three weeks ago inviting me to the ball so, obviously, I jumped at the opportunity to help BIM again and I got two tickets, one for myself and one for Carmi. And then after a lot of running around looking for the perfect dresses, shoes and accessories the day finally came along. At about 2pm yesterday I arrived at Carmi’s with all the things I needed to get ready for this ball and after lunch and a chat we started getting ready. My makeup took me an hour to do (video about that coming on Friday) and I think Carmi did my hair in like 30min. At 7pm on the dot we were standing at the front gates of the Natural History Museum where the ball was being held. And then they let us in.
Now to what you all want, the actual ball. This was my very first time walking the red carpet, which I must admit, I quite enjoyed! When we got in we got our drinks, non alcoholic for me of course, and had a chat with our new friends for about an hour and a half until they let us in to the main dining room. I think we were just waiting for Louis and Liam to arrive because honestly it took them like 20min from the moment the boys arrived to open the doors haha! So we all went in to this beautiful dining room (which is the main like entrance to the museum, where the dinosaur is) and we got seated at our tables. Then a man (who if I’m not mistaken works with xfactor as well) introduced the Princes and Princesses of Believe in Magic (a.k.a. the wonderful kids) and they all came down the stairs and I felt a knot being tied in my belly because it was so beautiful. This man then introduced Louis, Johanna and Jean and they all had small speeches to say so they did that and then they played a little video where two families who get a lot of help from Believe In Magic told their story, I swear half of the room was in tears (I had to keep mine in, my makeup had taken me an hour to do after all!). Dinner was then served and we all enjoyed a little bit of music and a chat with the people at the table. In between meals there was a bit of time so we could actually get up and mingle and what not which I thought was nice.
I think it was before desert when the live auction started (there was a silent auction throughout the whole ball through iPads on the tables). There was a ridiculous amount of things to be sold so I can’t remember all of them, but I do remember a Harry Styles t-shirt, worn and owned by him, that went for £1000 and a guitar designed, played and signed by Niall that went for £6500. Liam and Louis bet a lot against each other for a lot of things, I remember Louis paying £7000 for a day in a studio if a man who works at their record label (I think his name was Sam..) went in and did a few vocals, Liam payed about £6000 for a disgustingly ugly red jacket thing and Louis payed the same amount for the same mans suspenders. The the auction man got Liam and Louis up on stage and they had to bid against eachother, the one that lost had to get their face painted and leave the ball with it painted. Louis won paying £10000.
After the bidding wars I got up and went to Liam first (as he had to get his face painted straight away) and got a photo with him, then I went to Louis whilst everyone else was mesmerised by the face painting and took a photo with him and had a little lovely chat with him, such a nice boy! Carmi and I headed to the photo booth two times on our own and once with our new friends. Then we took photos with Liam in his tiger-face-paint and then everyone just danced. Whist dancing this boy came up and explained that he was trying to raise money for a little girl (I think her name was Isabella or something like that) so that she could go to Disney World as Believe in Magic is taking a few kids there in 10 days. Unfortunately being poor as I am I could only afford to give £20 but I hope it helps and that the little Princess gets to go to Disney World! Right before we left I reminded Louis of something he promised during our earlier conversation and laughing he said he wouldn’t forget (but I think he did… Cheeky Louis..) and then we headed off. We took a taxi to Carmi’s place and then I slept over there.
I can honestly say it was a magical night and all four of them (Louis, Johanna, Meg and Jean) have outdone themselves. I hope they all know the wonderful work they’re doing and that the people there were generous and helped out as much as they could afford.
I’ll leave the vlog from the night and some photos down here but I really need to go eat some food now or I will starve!