Failing.

We’ve all failed at something in our lives at some point. Whether it be at a job, on a test, in a relationship or even just at something as silly as walking down the stairs. We all fail at something at some point in our lives. The trick is not to let it get to you.

Today I had an interview for an internship that until I got the email for the interview I didn’t even remember applying for to be honest. But nevertheless I was quite excited as it was a media and journalism internship where I’d be writing loads of gig, album and song reviews as well as help out with their social media and YouTube videos. Sounded like something I’d quite enjoy to be honest. They asked me to review this song before the interview and bring it on the day, which was today, so I did.

You all know my style of writing isn’t very serious as I don’t tend to take myself very seriously and I just like to think of whomever is reading my posts as a friend and therefore I write my posts as if I was having a conversation with someone, speaking directly to someone. This doesn’t exclude reviews of whatever the review can be of.

I will say that the review I did for the internship wasn’t my best work as I’d just heard of the band and the song, but I did my research and managed to write something I was happy enough with. In my humble opinion it was witty and fun, yet it did indeed review the song as they had asked me.

I stayed at the café where we had our interview for nearly an hour speaking to the director of the label I was interviewing for and when I left I felt like it’d gone quite well, I even said so to my housemate. However I just got an email saying that I didn’t get the internship because my style of writing wasn’t a good fit for their blog which is fair enough.

Even though I didn’t want it whole heartedly and even though I couldn’t remember applying for the internship I still feel like I failed. It would have been nice to do YouTube videos again but without the pressure that I felt from my own channel and it would have been a great way to discover new music and new artists as well as expand on my journalism knowledge.

So here I am, just thinking about failing and how many times I’ve managed to fail just in the last year, not to mention my life. And, as I’m sure is no surprise, it kind of gets you down a bit..

So yeah, just thought I’d share.

Have a fab Easter Break
xx

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Heartbreak and Acceptance

Day 159 (177) – The Last One

If you know me you’re probably aware of the breakup I just went through and you know it’s taken a whole lot from me. Not the person per say, but the whole experience has just broken me in a way I didn’t know was possible.

Seven months ago, when I didn’t even know this person I ended up falling in love with, I was mostly happy, very positive and optimistic. I had my group of friends, a job I enjoyed, had just moved to another city and in to an apartment that I adored and was just starting my second year at university studying my passion. Life was good to say the least. However, even though I’d moved cities and university I did not feel ready to leave my life in London, somehow something inside me kept telling me to just hold on for a little bit longer. So that’s what I did.

On October 6th, also known as my birthday, I got the most amazing birthday present ever, I met him, but I had no idea what I was in for. For the following month and a half my life was a rollercoaster, weekends were absolutely perfect and weekdays we’re torture, specially Mondays. Somehow, after a lot of tears, we managed to make it through that and by November 20th he was calling himself my boyfriend. If you could have seen the stupid smile on my face when he let the word slip, how I tortured him for it and pointed out that I had heard the word slip, that I hadn’t missed it. And that’s how the most amazing three months of my life began.

Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? The fact that officially it was just three months. The fact that three months could affect me in this way, or even just the fact that this one person could affect me so much then and still to this day.

Anyway, we used to spend weekends together up in London but very soon in to the relationship we decided that when he had his six month breakout clause in his leasing contract, which was March 20th, he would move down to Brighton, where I lived. This wasn’t a decision made lightheartedly or out of nowhere, we just realised it was the best thing for his mental health and for both of our economies. I used to get on the train on Thursdays after my lectures and go straight to his house and not come back to Brighton until Monday mornings right before my lecture. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him.

I’m not saying it was a perfect relationship, Lord knows it was nowhere near it! We argued, we both said things that we regretted as soon as they left our mouths and we know all to well how to push the other persons buttons to get them angry or hurt them in the worst way. But through all the bad there was also a lot of good. Small things that would just melt my heart, confessions and honesty during our many long late night talks, walks around Camden holding hands on a cold Decembers day, iceskating, improvised romantic dinner-and-a-movie date nights… This one time I didn’t have the time to come see him before the shift and he had the night off, however when I got home I had a card on my pillow waiting for me from him. Another time I was sad and he came home with a bouquet of roses from work. Nothing major nor incredibly romantic, but it was the small things that always made me know he loved me. I don’t want to get to much in to detail because at the end of the day those moments were ours, his and mine, and thats where I want them to stay. Let’s just say that our lows were very lows and our highs were very highs, we didn’t really know how to stay in that middle area.

Towards the end of the relationship I could feel him pulling away from me, physically and emotionally and the fact that we had to then spend twenty days from one another didn’t help the situation. However, I thought that it was just me being paranoid and that if we could just make it through those twenty days then we were just a stone throw away from him moving down and us starting our life together in our apartment. I had dreamed about that moment so many times and had gotten used to living with him and having him around at all times.

The breakup itself shouldn’t really have come as a surprise to me, but somehow it did. He’d just gone through something that I believe put his life in perspective and he realised he didn’t want to be with me anymore. From my side it just seemed like another rough patch because I was aware that when we weren’t together he had a lot of things going on, he’s a busy guy like that, so the fact that we didn’t speak that much wasn’t such a surprise and the fact that I missed him but he didn’t have time to miss me wasn’t such a surprise either. But there’s me romanticising everything again, because obviously, that’s not what was going on.

At the time of the breakup I was doing a job where I was on my own for nine days (six from after the breakup) and I couldn’t go anywhere nor have someone over to help me because I was so far out. So I spent those following six days crying, crying a lot. I had no energy to do anything nor did I want to, I just sat and waisted away my week because I couldn’t handle to utter words out loud or to even think about doing something productive with my life. We had contact and got back to communicating very well and shortly after those horrible six days I got some kind of closure, or so I thought.

It’s now been a week and a half since he moved in to the apartment, because of course all of the arrangements for the move had already been made and it was still the best for his mental health, however he lives in the other room and now plays the role of housemate and best friend. Now, if anyone out there is considering moving in or letting their ex-partner whom they still have strong feelings for move in to your home, don’t. Be selfish, take care of yourself first, because let me tell you something, it’s not easy. Personally I can’t say no, and if I’m being completely honest, I didn’t want to either. I thought, nay, I knew we could crack this, I still do, but God damn in, it’s so hard.

Don’t get me wrong, I am well aware of the fact that we are not a couple, that we are not together. It just wasn’t our time right now, it might come in however long or it might not, no one knows. However, even knowing that and knowing that for the time being we are better as friends, it is still horribly painful. This is the person I saw myself having kids and growing old with and now I have to sit in the same living room as him watching him text someone else and just smile and pretend like I don’t notice how he turns his phone away from me when he’s on it like he did at the beginning, or how he flips it over so that I can’t see the screen in case he gets a text. I have to pretend like I don’t know when he’s lying or withholding information from me and I have to pretend like I haven’t cried myself to sleep more than once since he’s been here.

For the past month and however many days it’s gone back to being a rollercoaster. Some days I feel like we really do have a connection and like we are the only two people in the world, other days I feel like he tries avoiding me like the plague. It’s a weird thing because I need to remind myself every day that we are in fact, not together anymore, so he doesn’t really owe me anything, why the relationship didn’t work and also of the person he is and how he works.

Now, why did I start writing this? Well, because I’ve made a decision not to let him rule how I feel so much anymore. He’s so unaware of the power what he says and does has over me.. He really has gotten on with his life without me, even though it hurts that he’s done it so quickly and like we didn’t matter at all, I need to do the same, it’s what we agreed on.

So, the other night I took down all the photos of us and anything that reminds me of our time together from my room and put them away in a safe place along with my rings that he got me. I’m taking that as my first step towards getting better. It’s hard though, getting back to being happy after being with someone that made me so ridiculously happy. It’s like when I was with him I was on 150% happiness level and when he broke up with me I went down to a solid 10% happiness level and clawing myself out of that hole is hard. I’m aware that I don’t need anyone to make me happy, that I can and should be happy all on my own, but it’s like a really hard comedown or terrible hangover. I was on top of the world, I was up on Olympus and now I’m keeping Hades company down in Hell.

A friend of mine asked me to describe the feeling the other day and the only way I could explain it to them was this: “Feels like there is a physical black hole where your heart is meant to be, like you have no energy to get out of bed, take a shower or even eat, like everything you believed and everything you’d planned has been a lie, like you can’t understand what happened, like it isn’t real and you will wake up from this nightmare any time now… Its fucking horrible and painful and dark as fuck”. It gets better, it has gotten better in the past month and I’m coming to terms with our situation, but that doesn’t mean that I am ok, or anywhere near it. I’m getting by, taking one day at a time, trying to concentrate on me, my life, my friends and my career for the time being. He’s got me here when he needs me, I don’t give up on people and I’m not about to give up on him or on us, whatever that means, but for  right now, I have to be selfish and take care of me.

Yes, it’s been a hell of a ride. Yes, it’s been the most painful experience of my life. Yes, I’ve probably literally cried about 10L of tears in the past six months. But it’s also been the best experience of my life. I’ve let myself love and feel things I’d never felt before. I’ve let someone in and felt every inch of their soul merging together with mine. I’ve got one of the best people I’ve ever known now fighting this battle agains life by my side. So no, I wouldn’t take it back and no, I don’t regret a single thing or second of it all.

Watermelon Smoothie

Day two, smoothie number two.

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For one serving I used:
1/2 of a quarter water melon
1/2 banana
A handfull of blueberries
1/2 strawberry yoghourt (Fresh strawberries are better but I didn’t have any)
Some almond milk (Put in however much feels good for you!)

When looking in the fridge today I found myself in a lack of ingredients. I started with the watermelon, blueberries and milk. However I felt like it was missing something, so I added half a banana and it was still missing something, some consistence. I thought about adding some greek yoghourt but I didn’t know if I wanted to risk that sweet after-taste that greek yoghourt has, so I went with half of a strawberry yoghourt. Half a yoghourt was enough for consistency.

It is absolutely delicious, just perfect haha!

Let me know what you think 🙂

xx

 

Blueberrie Smoothie

Good morning sunshines!

I’m petsitting these coming nine days, and as I’m away from my normal sorroundings and fast food availability I have decided to try drinking more smoothies. As I looked in to the fridge this morning I realised I have bought two Asda boxes of bueberries (if you know me you know how deep my love and addiction for these particular berries runs), so I decided to include them in my smoothie.

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I am no healthy food professional, nor do I pretend to be, so my first smoothie is something I know works with a little twist.

For one serving I used:
1 banana
A handfull of blueberries
1 strawberry yoghourt (Fresh strawberries are better but I didn’t have any)
Some almond milk (Put in however much feels good for you!)

Put it in to the smoothie machine or if you don’t have one put it all in to a large cup and use a mixer. Make sure that all the bits are smoshed and gone, put it in to a glass and enjoy the deliciousness.

This is just my first attempt so I kept it safe, but I’m hoping to have more smoothies over the next nine days so I’ll report back with more amazing recipes!

xoxo

New Music: Lux Lisbon – When You Need Somebody

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Photo Credit: Anna Nilsson

If you have been following my blog for a while you have seen the high amount of posts about a certain London band called Lux Lisbon. (if not here they are)

Carmi and I found this band back in 2014 (I believe) when they got in contact about their EP Get Some Scars which you can listen to here and then we went to see them live and I got hooked, right then and there. Since then I have been quite the fan and not missed a show in London, nor do I plan on missing the London and Brighton shows on their up coming UK tour this April. I promise it’s way less creepy than it sounds haha!

As the proper fan that I am, I of course signed up to Stu’s (lead vocalist) Monday email list and to their bandcamp, which means that this past Monday the 30th I got a glorious email with their new single When You Need Somebody. I can honestly say I’ve had it on repeat since I opened the email.

The song itself is written, recorded, mixed and produced by the band themselves as they are a completely DIY band. The firs verse tricks you in to thinking it’s going to be a calm and maybe even acoustic song as it has mainly piano and kick drum. However after that first chorus the rest of the band comes in with guitar, bass, the full drum kit and perfectly harmonised backing vocals by Charlotte (bass) and Tom (guitar). Fast forward (not literally, enjoy the song as it is!) to the middle of the song and you have a small guitar solo followed by one of two trumpet solos that this song blesses us with. This is something I’ve come to love and hope for in a Lux Lisbon song as many of their previous songs include trumpet and, in my humble opinion, it has become part of their sound. Stu then goes on to shock us all with the strength in his voice followed by Charlotte showing off how her voice just harmonises perfectly with Stu’s. The song then ends with the second trumpet solo.

I am personally someone who lives for the lyrics in a song, I like to be able to sing along with the song both at a concert and when I’m blasting it in the shower. Stu’s vocals are always incredibly clear so you can hear every word he says, which I highly appreciate as it makes it ever so easier to sing along. The lyrics in When You Need Somebody are catchy and I found that by the end of the first time I heard the song I could already sing along to the chorus. Something I find that they are very good at doing is writing lyrics that will, in one way or another, hit you right in the feels.

Anyway, I will stop boring you with words that will never do the song justice and let your ears be blessed with the incredible song that is When You Need Somebody

If you like what you’ve just heard, wether it be the first time you hear their music or if you are a loyal fan like myself, you can find all the details about their music, merch, and most importantly, their upcoming tour on their website luxlisbon.com

No Makeup Week.

If you follow me on Instagram you will have seen a certain post of mine about my face and not wearing makeup. If you didn’t just go follow me on Instagram (annanilsson14) and look bellow and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Last Christmas I had a bacterial infection around my mouth and chin area called Perioral Dermatitis which, according to patient.info, is an infection that affects mainly young women and is caused by a heap of different reasons but the most common is the use of steroid creams and ointments. The doctor gave me antibiotics for 12 weeks and I was supposed to be fine after that. However I still see small spots mainly around that same area, but nowhere near how the infection was.

I have therefore chosen to stop using makeup. Having looked in to it 70 to 90% of the makeup we put on our skin contains chemicals like Phthalates, Lead, Quaternium-15 and Other Formaldehyde-Releasing Preservatives, PEG and Butylated Compounds amongst so many other long names and words I know close to nothing about. So no wonder I’m still getting spots and breakouts on my face!

I’m fully aware that I will eventually use makeup for occasions like weddings, my sisters graduation or when we’re going out and I just want to put in that little extra effort. I have however also researched more organic cosmetic brands like for example 100% Pure, Tata Harper and Herbivore Botanicals just to name a few. (more brands on thegoodtrade.com) Organic cosmetics can be up to 25% more expensive than non-organic makeup but I feel like that’s a sacrifice I am willing to make for a healthy makeup-free face.

Having decided that I am not going to be wearing makeup has also made me more weary of what I eat. It’s common knowledge that eating fast food, chocolate and other unhealthy foods affects your skin complexion so I have started snacking on fruit and drinking water and tea. I’m not saying that I am a saint when it comes to eating clean now, I still indulge in some delicious dark chocolate Digestives but I have gotten a lot better.

So, getting to what I initially wanted this post to be about, I have decided to record this week and how my skin changes. I have been using Clean and Clear Exfoliating Daily Wash both in the morning when I wake up and in the evenings before I go to sleep, every day, and I have been hydrating with Simple Kind To Skin Replenishing Rich Moisturiser as these were the two products I had at home and decided to finish them before buying new expensive ones. I also ad a little scrub sponge in the evenings to make sure I get all the bacteria that has accumulated on my face through out the day, I use 

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Day one (Monday Jan. 30th) started with a wash and hydrating. My face still tired from all the makeup and with marks from spots that were currently disappearing. This is when I decided to not wear any makeup but was nervous about being around people without what has become like a curtain for all the imperfections in my skin. I travelled back from London and did all of the things I had to do that day (university, and grownup things) and before I knew it it was late night and I was home realising then that I had spent all day out and about without any makeup and without caring about it. Scrubbed and hydrated before I went to bed.

On day two (Tuesday Jan. 31s) I could already see the major difference! The dead skin and marks from the spots were already disappearing but I washed and hydrated anyway. I was trying my best not to be there with my hands full of bacteria touching my face and specially my chin/mouth area. I got a small spot that was barely noticeable and just decided to let it be, starting to accept that spots is something that everyone gets in their life. And of course, I scrubbed and hydrated before I went to bed.

Day three (Wednesday Feb. 1st) I have to say it was a bit harder. I had hoped that after I washed and hydrated the spot would have disappeared but the fact is that it didn’t and I now had this spot and I knew I was going out with my friends that evening so insecurities started rising. However I stuck to my word and just let the spot be. By the time I left the house I was the only one that knew I had that spot there so it was probably a lot more noticeable to me than it was for everyone else because you could barely see it when I looked in the mirror. Scrubbed and hydrated before I went to bed.

Day four (Thursday Feb. 2nd). When I washed my face again this morning apparently I scrubbed the spot I got the other day away. One of the main reasons for this is that I didn’t squeeze it which takes so much effort for me, I get this from my mother. Whenever I have a spot, or a feel a spot coming I always tend to want to squeeze until nothing but blood comes out and even then I’m not convinced it’s fully “empty”, but I have been exercising some self-control and it seems to be working. What I have noticed is that my face gets very greasy by the end of the day, which I don’t like, but if I don’t hydrate after I wash my face it’s so dry it hurts. I’m trying to find a way to manage this better, so if any of you have any tips holla at me. My favourite part of the night routine has become scrubbing and hydrating my face as it makes me feel fresh when I go to bed.

Day five (Friday Feb. 3rd) I thought started quite good, but when I washed my face I realised that I had indeed gotten another spot on my chin. However this one just looks like a hormone spot (Sinderby I got my period the day before) and not like a spot you get for mistreating your skin, if you know what I mean.. I washed my face and hydrated and didn’t even touch the spot, it just sat there and came with me to work that evening. I am not home and I forgot my face scrub at home so I couldn’t scrub and hydrate before I went to bed, but thinking about it it might have been a good thing to let my skin rest for a day, full rest and enjoy its own fats and stuff.

Day six (Saturday Feb. 4th) Woke up and washed my face with Clean and Clear Deep Action Cream Wash to change it up a bit and didn’t moisturise as I just wanted to give my skin a rest. The spot I got on my chin just grew bigger and bigger throughout the day but it seems to be the only spot I have – knock on wood. It seems that most of the black heads I’ve had around my nose and forehead have more or less disappeared, I am however waiting for one of those black face masks that should be arriving by the end of next week at the latest. I went back to scrubbing and hydrating before bed and it felt amazing.

Day seven (Sunday Feb. 5th) Woke up and waited for about 1h until I went and washed my face, with the normal Clean and Clear Exfoliating Daily Wash and hydrated with the normal cream as well. I spent the day out and I can now officially feel the spot that is growing on my chin and it has a head. I debated squeezing it before bed and then making sure I wash the bacteria away before sleeping or just leaving it, deciding in the end to just leave it and see what happened with the night scrub. This resulted in the ginormous spot exploding when I was scrubbing which meant that I could wash it properly. I the hydrated the rest of my face avoiding the area where the spot was not to infect it with lotion.

Now that the week is over I can honestly say that I will continue not to use makeup except for on special occasions. My skin feels and looks amazing (except for the one spot) and I could not have been happier with the outcome of this little experiment of mine. The bags under my eyes can be fixed with some good old sleep and I have hopes that my complexion will keep improving with the consumption of heaps of water and healthy food.

Remember that no matter if your skin is spot-free or if you have severe acne you are beautiful and I hope that if you don’t already, one day you will feel happy and gorgeous in your own skin.

Leave your tips on products and comments down bellow♡

xx